Legacy of a Child in an Open Adoption

As much as I love the poem "The Legacy of an Adopted Child", the first few lines haven't sat quite right with me since I started this process. It starts off with :

Once there were two women

Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,

The other you call mother.

My hope for my child and his/her first family is that they do know each other! And so I offer this gem, that I found recently at http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/adopt/open.html#Romanchick

The Legacy of a Child in an Open Adoption

By Brenda Romanchick

Once there were two expectant mothers.
One carried and cared for you beneath her beating heart
She became your Birthmother.
The other carried the hope of you within her.
She became your Mom.
As the days passed, and you grew bigger and stronger,
Your Birthmother knew that she could not give you all you needed after your birth.

Meanwhile, your Mom was ready and waiting for you.

One day your Birthmom and your Mom found each other.
They looked into each other’s eyes and saw a friend.
Your Birthmom saw the life your Mom could give you.
Your Mom saw how much your Birthmom loved and cared for you.

They decided that what you needed was both kinds of love in your life.

So now you have two families,
One by birth, the other by adoption.

And you have a home where you can get:
your questions answered,
your boo boos bandaged,
your heartaches soothed,
And much needed hugs.

And a place where you can find:
answers to your questions,
your image in the mirror,
a part of yourself,
And much needed hugs.

Two different kinds of families
Two different kinds of love
Both a part of you.

And the original: 

LEGACY OF AN ADOPTED CHILD

(Author Unknown)

Once there were two women

Who never knew each other.

One you do not remember,

The other you call mother.

Two different lives

Shaped to make yours one.

One became your guiding star,

The other became your sun.

The first gave you life

And the second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love

And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,

The other gave you a name.

One gave you a seed of talent,

The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile,

The other dried your tears.

One gave you up –

It was all that she could do.

The other prayed for a child

And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me

Through your tears,

The age-old question

Through the years:

Heredity or environment

Which are you the product of?

Neither, my darling — neither,

Just two different kinds of love.

The Beauty of Open Adoption

The beauty of open adoption is that, ideally, the child should have two mothers present in his or her life. My hope is that my someday baby will have not only me and the birthmother (first mother if you prefer), but the birthfather as well. There is no such thing as too many people who love you!

Expanding the Network

Even though I have only been active for a little over 2 months, I feel the need to expand the group of people who know and expand the network of people who have my profile available to them. I know that Friends in Adoption is great at networking, but my profile has only been sent out 3 times as of the beginning of this month. So last weekend, I put my profile up on the Adoptimist.com website. https://www.adoptimist.com/adoption-parent-profile/1025

And this weekend, I am considering creating postcards to share my hopes to adopt. The problem is, I have no idea what to do with them after creating them and having them printed. What's the best way to get them into the hands that matter? Or is merely spreading them far and wide good enough? Will college health centers allow me to leave some there?

And so I leave you with a thought I picked up on a blog from a set of hopeful adoptive parents: I don't know how I will be matched with a mother and baby. But you, my network of readers, may know someone who needs to make an adoption plan or know someone who might know someone in that situation. Spreading the word about my desire to adopt is the one of the best way you can help right now.

Friends in Adoption has a blog on the top 10 ways to help friends through the process. I've linked to it below. But the best way to help right now? Ask about it - I haven't gotten frustrated with waiting yet and appreciate that you care. Even if there's no news on my end, it helps to know you're thinking about it, too!
http://www.friendsinadoption.org/blog/top-10-ways-to-help-friends-through-adoption-process

Making Adoption Affordable

The hidden fact of adoption is the often outrageous fees associated with it for the adoptive parents. Between the agency fees, lawyer fees, profile creating/printing, and birthparent expenses (as allowed by law), most people will pay between $30,000 and $40,000 to adopt a newborn.

In the past, there has been a federal tax credit for adoption. Right now, it is set to expire at the end of 2012. I urge you to visit Save the Adoption Tax Credit to learn more about the proposed bill to extend the tax credit and make it permanent.

There are currently bills in both the House and Senate. I urge you to contact your senators and representatives asking them to cosponsor and support this tax credit.

I use opencongress.org to read about the bill, show my support, and email my senators and representatives. I have also printed the letters and am sending them via the USPS (have to use those stamps for something!) The links to both bills are below.

Senate Bill 3616

House Bill 4373

Sharing and Waiting

The question that every hopeful adoptive parent asks themselves at some point is when and who we should share with.

Family and close friends? Of course I'm going to share this process with them. I can't imagine going through this waiting process without their support. Almost everyone has been so supportive!

Acquaintances? Maybe - it all depends on where they fit into my life.

People from work? I've now told the people in my department, and my immediate supervisor. Because of the lack of a timetable, it's really hard to give anyone a sense of how long this will take.

Trying to figure out who to tell and how to tell them is one of the harder parts of this process.

I keep reading that you never know who will know someone who will know someone who is making an adoption plan for their baby. So sharing is important. (Feel free to share with people you know that might know someone!)

This wait, though, is equally difficult! I have to be ready to bring a newborn into my house within 24 hours, or wait for 3+ years to get the call! So, am I ready? Of course! I have a car seat and stroller (thanks to my brother) and a bassinet (thanks to my neighbors). I have a list of the items I need to pick up at the last minute.

The Other Side of the Story

It's always good to hear from another side of the adoption story. Today's Stay Acquainted Meeting in Saratoga gave me the opportunity to hear from 3 birthmothers and one birthfather about their stories. It reminded me that although every story is unique, there are some similarities. The day an adoptive parent leaves the hospital with their new baby, full of elation and joy, is a day of grief and sadness as the birthmother leaves without her baby. I will do my best to keep that perspective when that day happens for me.

Today we heard from 3 courageous women who placed their babies through Friends in Adoption. Their stories brought laughter and tears. The relationships they have with their children's adoptive families makes me hopeful for my future. It was good to hear that their level of contact has evolved over time. One didn't want to meet the adoptive parents at all (and wanted a closed adoption). She now  has a relationship with them where she sees her daughter a few times a month. From the outside, this looks so healthy to everyone involved - the child, the birthmother (or birthparents), and the adoptive parents. Is it too much to hope that someday I will be able to cultivate such a wonderful relationship?

Staying Acquainted

I am looking forward to going to Saratoga tomorrow for Friends in Adoption's Staying Acquainted Meeting. It's their way of keeping the hopeful adoptive parents connected, both with the agency and with each other. It becomes a support group for those waiting for our forever family.

This month's meeting will have a panel of birthmothers who have made adoption plans with Friends in Adoption. Any time I can hear from a different side of the adoption triad is great education.